TS Angelica Saga

By: Jeremy Ridnor




The beacon of light shines through the askew shades. The light infuses TS’s long silky red hair, as well as her creamy white epidermis. TS’s left fake eye lash dangles from her lids, until it gently floats down. It resides on her mouth. As her mouth becomes agape the fake eye lash falls into her mouth. She felt a slight tickle on the back of her uvula, which caused her to wake from her slumber. As she opened her forest green eyes she heard a peculiar noise. She heard the sound of something hacking. She looked around the room and did not find the source of the hacking. She got out of bed and put her pink fuzzy slippers on. As she moved closer to the bathroom the cacophonous sound got louder.


Inside her bathroom she discovered that it was her beloved cat Mr. Whiskers who was making all the ruckus. A small plashet of vomit subsided on the Formica floor. Seconds later Mr. Whiskers collapsed. He was not breathing. His piercing eyes remained opened. TS gasped and fell to the floor crying. The tears rain down her cheek, as her green eyes became bloodshot. Mr. Whiskers was like a son to her. She loved him and now he was dead. TS put her left hand on his head and began stroking it lightly and tenderly. She cradled Mr. Whiskers in her arms.


She felt a vibration suddenly. She looked down and to her surprise Mr. Whiskers was purring. He was alive. She smashed his small feline cranium into her bosom and rocked him back in forth. This truly was a miracle.


Later that afternoon TS was found lounging on the couch. She ate dozens of skillets and slurped away at her red bull drinks as she watched Gossip Girl. In addition to watching some daytime television TS also had out her cell phone as well as her laptop. She was working on her website while simultaneously texting away. She took another sip from the aluminum red bull can. As she put the beverage down she somehow lost control and the red bull began pouring out onto her laptop. The laptop began glitching, and then it turned off and completely stopped working. TS began freaking out. She had not saved her work on her website and she had been working it for hours on updating it. A symphony of profanity was composed by TS. In an attempt to salvage it, she began wiping up the red bull with a napkin. She then put her hand on the back of the laptop in an attempt to close it, but as she did this the computer turned back on. TS felt so relieved. She did not know what she would do if her computer died on her.


TS realized her hands were kind of sticky from the red bull so she decided to wash her hands. She went to the kitchen sink, and began scrubbing away. It was then that TS noticed that her plant had died. It seem like everything was dying on her today. All of sudden TS had a strange idea. Everything had been dying on her today, but they seem to come back to life when she touched them. She knew it sounded crazy, but curiosity killed the cat. She reached out and touched one of the drooping dead leaves. She waited a moment and saw that nothing happened. Of course nothing would happen TS thought to herself. That would be crazy if it did. TS then wiped off her hands with a dish towel. She then looked back at the dead plant, however it was not a dead plant anymore it was alive.


TS did not know how to react. She knew for a fact that just seconds ago that vivacious green plant was dead and lifeless. TS was completely stunned. Could she really bring things back to life? This notion was completely absurd, but she could not think of another logical explanation for what just happened. The only other explanation was that this was a dream, but it did not feel like a dream.


TS needed more proof. Maybe the plant was alive the whole time and she just imagined it was dead. How could she prove that she had the power of giving life? She then remembered that she was going to have fish for dinner. Maybe just maybe she could bring that fish back to life. TS scrambled through various kitchen drawers in search for gloves. She pulls two oven mittens. One is in the shape of an alligator the other is in the shape of a lobster. TS opened her freezer. The cold smoke wafted into TS’s face. She pulled out the scaly fish and set it on the kitchen counter. She looked at the frozen fish and she stared into the fish’s haunting vacant eye sockets. She realizes if this does work that the fish would need water, so she pulled out the largest bowl she could find and filled it up to the brim with water.


She takes a deep breath, and slowly picks up the fish. She tosses it into the sink water filled bowl. The water splashes around. She waits until the water is stagnate, and then she carefully takes off the alligator mitten off her right hand. Then she puts her fingertips on the scaly wet dead fish for a few seconds, and then pulls it back quickly. Nothing happened right away. As each second goes by TS feels more and more ridiculously, but she continuous to wait and watch. The anticipation was killing her. The sound of bubbles could be heard. Slow at first, but then fast and loud. The fish was alive. It convulsed in the small glass bowl. It was blind so it did not know what was happening, but it was alive. TS’s eyes widen. She held up her right hand like Mufasa held up Simba in the Lion King; and she just stared at it with bewildering eyes. She was like Jesus.


TS quickly went to the fridge to see what else was in there. As she did her hand grazed over some eggs. She then realized that the fish needed to be in a bigger pool of water, so she closed the fridge and sprinted to the bathroom. She drew the water in the bathroom and plugged up the drain. She waited until it was filled.


She raced back to the kitchen and grabbed the fish. TS tried to run as fast as she could without spilling the water. The fish was flailing about. She finally made it to the bathroom. She threw the fish in. Then a thought occurred to her. What if this fish needed to live in salt water? She quickly ran back to the kitchen and grabbed a case of salt, but just as she was exiting the kitchen she heard a faint squeaking sound. She investigated around the kitchen. Then she realized it was coming from the refrigerator. She swung the fridge door open and looked around. She saw two cracked egg shells. For a moment she was confused. Then she heard the squeaking sounds again. She looked down and there sitting on top of the cream cheese were two baby chicks.


She picked them up and looked at them. They were adorable. This was incredible, however this precious moment was ruined by the sound of water splashing. TS ran with a little chick in each hand, and then saw what was going on. Mr. Whiskers was soaking wet. She looked closer and saw a fish tail sticking out of his mouth. She looked at the tub and saw that the fish was gone fish. TS began scolding Mr. Whiskers. She told him he was a bad kitten. She dragged him by the back of the neck and put him outside as a punishment.


Later that night TS was sitting in bed just thinking to herself how wonderful this new power was. She was very grateful for this God-like power. As she slowly drifted off into dream land her hand drifted down to her penis.




A puddle of warm drool dangles from TS’s ruby red lips. The symphony of snoring could be heard over the melodic sound of morning bird’s chirping outside. Her body was completely contorted. The sheets were wrapped around her legs like a snake trying to kill a mouse.


The clock reads 11:59AM. Shortly after it changes to 12:00PM which triggered TS’s alarm. She fumbles with the buttons for awhile before turning the alarm off. TS stretches her body and let’s out a odd moaning sound. The sound resembles a beach wale’s mating call or perhaps the sound of a shofar being blown during some Jewish high holiday. TS’s eyes remained partially closed.


TS had no idea what she was about to see. What she did excepted to see was her inevitable morning boner. In fact she felt the tape come undone as it always did in the mornings. However when TS opened her eyes she saw something quite unusual. A mountain of fat hid her pulsating erection.


TS was in a state of confusion as well as discontent. This made TS very curious. She began expecting the fat, first by poking at it. As she did this her corpulent belly jiggled like gelatin would. In a state of frustration TS began pumping her stomach downwards as if she was trying to flatten it. She did this until she felt a wave of nausea. She briskly got out bed, and waddled like a penguin over to the restroom. Her love handles jiggled as she trotted towards the bathroom, along with her still very erect penis. She promptly lifted the toilet seat up and huddled over it. She clenched intensely to the base of the toilet and within seconds she was disgorging technicolored vomit. The previous night TS had binged on oodles and oodles amounts of skittles and red bull, hence the rainbow colored vomit. The tart acidic taste lingered in TS’s mouth, which indubitably made her gag and heave. Unfortunately the putrid stench of the vomit added to the gagging and the heaving.


The muffled sound of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” could be heard from the bedroom. It was coming from TS’s cell phone. She hesitated for a few beats and then decided to answer it. She figured that it was probably a business related call. TS picked up the phone and greeted her boss. Louie could detect a tone of agitation in her voice as well as high testosterone levels. TS was not using her typical lady-like voice. She was too tired to speak in falsetto, so she spoke with a low baritone voice. Louie explained to TS that she would have to meet a client at the luxurious Hilton Hotel on 3rd street. She was to meet this client in room 205 at 3:00 PM sharp. TS tells Louie that she cannot go because she woke up fat and she was throwing up a lot. He thought she was just kvetching about her eating disorder again, so he dismissed it and told her to be there or else, he then promptly hung up. As TS listen to the persistent monotone humming coming from the dial tone, she ponders quietly to herself that this was probably not going to be a good day.


TS idols herself in from of a mirror in a hotel hallway. She notices some peach fuzz collecting above her upper lip. She then goes spelunking in her gargantuan purse in search for tweezers. A few moments later she finds it and plucks out the unsightly hairs. She cringes each time she pulls out a hair fiber. TS felt butterflies in her stomach. Even after all this time she would get nervous before greeting her client. It was either that or more nausea. She took a good hard look at herself and could not help, but notice that her belly was getting larger. What was going on she thought? She did her best to try and wear sliming clothes, but there was no way she could hide this gigantic tummy. It almost looked like she was smuggling a watermelon. She audible sighed and then proceeded to sweet 205.


In the mist of knocking TS felt a strong twinge, that literally paralyzed her for a few seconds. She shrugged it off and then knocked three times. TS even made an effort to make her knocks seductive. Her knocks were soft, but firm. Guys subconsciously picked up on little things like that. There was some rustling around that could be heard from inside the sweet. She could tell that he was nervous already without even seeing him.


TS put one hand on the frame of the door in an attempt to look sexy. The door became ajar. She was greeted by a short Italian man. He had beady little eyes and brown wavy hair. His beady eyes for a moment gleamed with excitement, but then quickly changed to confusion and disappointment. He closed the door and sat down on the bed not saying a word. He avoids eye contact by looking down at the ocean blue carpet as he twiddles his thumbs. TS waddles over to him, and gently lifts up his chin and gazes into his black abyss-like eyes. The Italian man still not saying anything looks into TS’s green eyes. He was like a deer in headlights. He instantly began to perspire. He gulped a rather large lump that was caught in his throat. TS began caressing his face. His face felt like cat’s tongue, moist and rough. She was used to disgusting clients so this did not faze her or even the body odor that was seeping out of this man.


TS suddenly felt strange. Her thighs and legs felt really warm all of a sudden. The Italian man looked repulsed. TS looked down and saw that she was peeing all over herself. All though it did not feel like she was urinating. This warm liquid was gushing out of her like a geysers. It would not stop, she had not control over it. The Italian man backed up against the wall. He was shaking like a Chihuahua without its sweater on. The gushing water began to flow less. It still leaked, but it looked like the worse was over.


TS was completely flustered. She felt like she had undergone an outer body experience. The leaking stopped and she felt relieved, but only momentarily. TS started apologizing to the Italian man, but then it happened. The pain that she felt earlier came back, but this time it was intensified by a million. TS screamed in a shrill voice. Her screamed in such high pitched that it only dogs could hear it. The Italian man began to curl up in the fetal position. Tears streamed down his face.


TS had never felt such pain in her life, and the pain was getting more worse by the second. The pain was coming from her pelvic region. She felt something expanding down in her special area. It was like someone was playing with a stretch Armstrong toy except it was her penis. She begged him to call for help, but he just stood there balling his eyes out. He was shell shocked. Drops of blood stained the outskirts of her dress. Those drops quickly changed to puddles. Afraid to look she hesitantly lifted up her skirt. Her penis looked odd. It was getting bigger and it resembled an elephants trunk. However it was deformed as if something was being pushed out of it. She thought maybe it was a kidney stone.


What TS was about to see would be the most traumatizing as well as the most grossest thing she had ever seen in her life. Now TS has seen a lot of gross things in her life, but this took the cake. TS’s eyes widen as she saw something coming out of her penis. The pain was excruciating. TS’s strength was completely depleted. She began fading in and out, but just before she faded out she saw it. She could not believe what she was looking at. Right in front of her eyes she witnessed a baby’s head squeezing out of his penis like toothpaste. After that everything went black.



TS slowly opens her eyes. A flood of light impregnates her eyes. Her eyes adjust as she gazes up at the white cottage cheese ceiling. She felt well rested. Something was different. There was an absent of sound and smell, but for some reason she felt great. TS felt as light as a feather. She slowly got up. It felt as if she was floating. It was like she was on drugs, but like no other drug she had taken before. She felt pure ecstasy. Everything was clear. It was as if she was using her eyes for the first time. Everything was beautiful.


Something then changed that disrupted this peace. A muffled wining noise could be heard. It seem to be getting louder and louder. Then all at once like a dam breaking, the flood of noise in the room came banging against TS’s eardrum. She heard crying.


She turned to her right and saw a strange looking Italian man crying as he rocked back and forth in the fetal position. Even before she could react to him she heard another cry, except this cry was more nasally, almost as if it were coming from a baby. She look to her surprise there was a new born baby crying on the floor. He was splattered with blood, placenta, and amniotic fluid. He even had an umbilical cord sticking out of him. She followed the umbilical cord back to the source. She did not think it could get any more weird, but as she turned around she saw herself.


There TS was. Her body was limp and lifeless. Her skin complexion was completely unsaturated. Her lifeless grey eyes seem to capture the last moments of her life. She looked frighten and in agony. She continued to examine the cadaver. There was a sea of red that soaked the orange dress as well as the blue carpet.


It is a weird experiencing seeing your dead body. What was happening? Did she die and now was she a ghost? These types of question swished around in TS’s mind.


TS bent down in order to pick up the infant. However her hands went right though the baby as if it was a hologram. TS knew inside that she felt lugubrious as well as frustrated, but for some reason she could not express it. She felt numb and emotionless.


There was a knock at the door. It was an angry knock. The banging noise from the knock made the baby cry even louder. The Italian man stopped rocking. The person outside the door was asking what all the noise was. He told him that he has had many complaints from other guest. The Italian man was frozen with fear. The sound of keys jingling could be heard. The man unlock the door and it became ajar. The Italian man got up from the bed.


The hotel clerk came marching in, and then stopped in his tracks. It took him a few seconds to understand what he was seeing. The hotel clerk demanded to know what was going on. The Italian man did not say anything he was flabbergasted. He knew that he would probably be blamed for killing this woman or man or whatever it was. The man started yelling for people to come in here. He wanted his hotel posse to help him out. The Italian man in a state of panic snapped the hotel clerk’s neck. His body went limp and he fell straight to the ground dead.


Within seconds later the hotel clerk’s ghost comes out of his body like a lizard shedding his skin. He woke up confused. He slowly took in the situation. Then he saw TS. At first TS did not know if he saw her or not, but it was obvious that he did when he did a double take. First at her then at her body, then back at her, then at back at his body, then back at himself, then back at his body, then back at her. He tried to speak, but he could not. TS tried to speak as well and realized she could not speak either. Being a ghost was a strange sensation. It was like all the senses were gone except for sight and sound.


The Italian man felt incredibly guilty and ashamed. He kept rubbing his thin sweaty hair as he paced back and forth. He then realized that the door was open. He quickly shut the door and locked it. The baby was still screaming. The Italian man disappeared into the bathroom. TS and the hotel clerk followed him. As they turned the corner TS notices a glint coming from an object he was holding. The Italian man was holding with his shaky hair hands a sharp razor blade. The man looked at his reflection. Then he looked down at his hands. He saw them as weapons. A single tear ran down his face as he motioned the symbol of a cross. He then plunged the razor deep into his veins. The dark red blood spurted out of his wrist. It sprayed all over. The Italian man howled from the pain. He became woozy and lost his balance. He fell head first into the empty bathtub. This caused a skull fracture. Shortly after he died and his ghost came outside his body. The three looked at each other, but could say nothing.