By: Jeremy Ridnor


In an attempt to reposition himself, Francis’s chair squeaked. The boisterous sound of the squeak startled Francis. The room was dead quiet and lingered with the scent of burning incense. Francis glanced down at his digital watched, and then he looked back up at an elderly man with a prominent mustache sitting parallel from him. It was almost as if he was frozen in the thinker position. The man wore thick coke bottle glasses that rested on top of his rather pointy nose. He wore a grey suite with a black tie. However, the worst aspect of this man was his hair. He had a horrible comb over that consisted of only three hairs, and the rest of his hair curled out like springs on a mattress. The man reminded Francis of Sigmund Freud the father of psychology.


“So how long have been infatuated with hair Mr. Hamburg,” bumbled Dr. Mint.


“Well as far as I can remember. I always had a love, no a passion for hair.”


“I see, go on.”


“With what?”


“Pardon me?”


“I said with what? I mean what do you want me to say, I love hair, that’s it.”


“Tell me about your first sexual experience that correlates with your obsession with hair.”


“Hmm… well I guess that would be the first hair cut I got from mom.”


“From your mother, interesting, seems to me that you have an Oedipus complex.”


“A what complex?”


“Never mind continue.”


“Like I said the first time I had a sexual experience is when I had my first hair cut.”


Francis sat high and mighty on top of his booster chair. He waited with anticipation to receive his first haircut. His hair was long and shaggy, not to mention it was full of knots. He never wanted to cut his hair, because he cherished his golden locks. At night, he would always sleep with his favorite troll doll. He loved to caress the neon hair and feel it tangle up in between is small pudgy fingers.


“Alright sweetie are you ready for your haircut,” purred Francis’s mom.


“Yes mommy,” chimed Francis. “It won’t hurt will it?”


“Oh no honey it won’t hurt at all. Alright here we go.”


Francis’s mom sunk her acrylic nails into his thick stubborn hair. She lightly massaged his scalp causing Francis’s neck hairs to prick out. Francis clenched hard into his knee as he exhaled deeply. He closed his eyes in order to heighten his sensitivity to touch. His mom reached over grabbing a bottle of water as well as an unbreakable comb. She then began spraying his hair with cool water. The impact of the water droplets tickled Francis. She then began stroking his hair with the comb. The sensation was incredible his whole body tingled. She then put down the spray and picked up a pair of scissors. She began snipping away at Francis’s hair. His hair rained down like snowflakes. They glittered and shinned as the light hit them just right.


Francis began to feel a peculiar sensation. The sensation was foreign to him. He felt a build up down bellow. He moaned out loud causing his mother to stop.


“What’s the matter Francis? Did I hurt you?”


“No mommy… I’m fine,” said Francis out of breathe.


“Alright then, let’s finish you off.”


“So you are saying you had an orgasm,” cracked Dr. Mint.


“I guess you could say that.”


“How old were you?”


“I was about four or five.”


“Four or five, interesting very interesting, so then do you um… pleasure yourself?”


“You mean masturbate?”


“Well sorta, I mean do masturbate using your hair?”


“Um… well I… yes.”


“How do you do that?”


“There are many ways, for instance I could be in the shower using some new conditioner or even the showerhead itself, and I just massage it. Another way is I take some gel and lube it up nice and good.”


“Oh I see.”


There was a long awkward pause. Francis felt embarrassed and felt that he was making Dr. Mint very uncomfortable. Dr. Mint repeatedly stroked his chin, which made his mustache flap up and down. Francis became entranced. He was lost in the bristles of Dr. Mint’s mustache.


“Is there something on my face?”


“No… it just, never mind.”


“Hmm very well then. Why don’t you tell me about Lydia?”


“What do you want to know,” said Francis nervously.


“How did it happen?”


“I don’t know where to start.”


“How about from the beginning, perhaps the first time you two met.”


“Alright let me think. Oh yes I remember. Up until I was about thirty-three or so, my mother had always been the one who had cut my hair, but sadly, my mother died. So I needed to find someone else who could cut my hair. I looked around for a promising place to get my hair done. I was very meticulous about my barbershops. Then one day I found one that looked good, it was called Slick Fibers.”


Francis dressed up for the occasion; he wore a red silk shirt and black slacks. He even used some cologne. Francis was a nervous wreck, and even more clumsy than usual. He stumbled into Slick Fibers.


“Do you have an appointment sir?”


“Um… excuse me.”


“Do you have an appointment to get your hair done?”


“Oh… no.”




“Francis Hamburg, that’s H-A-M-B-U-R-G.”


“Alright thanks, please take a seat. It is only going to be ten or fifteen minutes.”




Francis plopped down on a purple couch right next to a little fat kid. Francis did not attempt to hide his eagerness; he was as wired up as a squirrel. He rested his hands in his lap, but as he did so, he twiddled his thumbs. He kept cocking his head back and forth as well as lightly rocking his body. He then examined the room in order to get acquaintance with his surroundings. There were enormous posters all over the room of models who had perfect hair. He also noticed people’s hair sprinkling down onto the checker floored, however as soon as it fell some woman with a dustpan and broom would sweep it up. Francis wondered where all that hair went. Perhaps there was some storage room filled with other people’s hair.


Francis was full of curiosity; this place was new and magical. He took a huge whiff of the air, and he could smell the various fruity shampoo fragrances. He could hear the harmonizing sound of the soft buzzing coming from the electric razors. Time crept by slowly, so in order to kill time Francis fumbled through some outdated magazines from a couple of years ago.


“Francis, Francis Hamburg.”


“Yeah that’s me.”


“Alright sweetie, I’m all ready for you.”


“Okay then.”


“Just follow me please.”


Francis cheeks became flush red, and he began to perspire. His legs were limp as noodles. His jitteriness integrated with him being enthusiastic about getting his haircut. While being escorted to his chair, he started to notice the striking features of this woman. She was a gorgeous Latina who had bodacious curves, as well as long sexy legs. She also had prominent bosoms that bulged out of her shirt. Her face was perfectly symmetrical and covered up with heavy makeup. However, nothing compared to her long voluptuous hair. Her opaque brunette hair hybridized with her light caramel highlights. As she walked towards the chair, her hair effortlessly swayed back and forth against the back of her hips. She quickly turned towards Francis causing her hair to whip around.


“Alright honey, take a seat.”


Francis slowly sat down on the black leather chair. He liked how the cool rubber texture felt up against his exposed epidermis.


“Now just relax.”


She bent down and pulled a lever, which caused the chair to recline backwards. She then switched on the faucet. Hot steamy water came spewing out onto Francis’s hair. The steam relaxed Francis. He could then hear the distinct sound of flatulence, but then quickly realized that sound came from shampoo bottle. As she squirted the shampoo into her hands, he detected the divine smell of peaches and cream. All of a sudden, he could feel the soft delicate hands of the woman. As she massaged his scalp, he could feel the gooey shampoo mix into his hair. He closed his eyes like he normally did when he shampooed his hair, but then the sound of the woman’s gum popping caused his eyes to open abruptly. He gazed upwards and saw an upside-down cleavage. This titillated him even more. She then rinsed out all of the foamy shampoo and covered his hair with a semi warm towel. Francis felt an overwhelming sensation of serenity.


“There we go, all nice and clean. Okay onto part two.”


Francis floated towards the seat, and then sat down. She wrapped a large vinyl sheet over his limp body. She then took the towel and handed it to some worker.


“Okay sweetie, how do you want your hair done?”


“Anyway you like.”


“What do you mean?”


“I mean do what ever you think looks good, you’re the expert. I trust you.”


“Wow, I’ve never had anybody say that to me. Well okay I’ll see what I can do.”


Francis could see her face in the reflex. She was chomping away at her gum trying to contemplate how she would cut his hair. By the look on her face, it was apparent that she had an epiphany. She reached for the electric razor and then turned it on. As soon as it grazed Francis’s head, he began to quiver.


“Are you alright?”


“Yeah I’m alright. I’m just a little cold that’s all.”


She then continues shaving away his sideburns. After she finished with the razor, she brought out the scissors. After she was done sculpting his hair, she finished by dusting him off.


“Then I paid for the haircut, and I gave Lydia big tip. I had received the best haircut of my life.”


“If getting your haircut is the sexual equivalent of having intercourse with a woman, then by paying for getting your haircut is like paying for sex.”


“I guess your right.”


“So tell me more about Lydia”


“Well I started to get my hair done religiously. It became an addiction for me. I went to see Lydia once or twice a week. Sometimes she would just wash my hair, and sometimes she would cut it, but she always hooked me up. I worshiped that woman. We began connecting on a higher level.”


“Oh, so you liked her.”


“I loved her. I had never been out on a real date before, but I was determined to ask Lydia out. So I started writing love notes to her. I would sneak it in her little drawer.”


“Love notes eh?”


“Yeah love notes. I couldn’t get her out of my head. I had to confront her. I told her right to her pretty little face that I loved her and that we were meant to be together. I said I would give her the world if she would let me.”


“How did she respond?”


“Well she pretended not to like me, but I knew she did. She said I was crazy to love her. Then she got that restraining order, but that was only a test. She had to love me, how could someone give someone so much pleasure and joy and not feel anything. I went insane; I couldn’t stand being away from her. I tried other hair saloons, but nothing compared to Lydia. The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years. It might have well been an eternity. Everyday I thought about her. I cried myself to sleep every night.”


“I’m sorry you had to go through all this.”


Dr. Mint placed a hand on Francis’s shoulder. Francis began to weep. “I know it is hard for you, but can you tell me about that day.”


There was a long pause.


“I didn’t mean to hurt her. It was an accident. One day I just snapped. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. I needed to see her, so I went to Slick Fibers. As soon as I walked in the room, it went quiet. I wondered why, why would the room become dead quiet as soon as I walked in the room? I then turned to my right and saw a picture of me with a big X through my face. They all knew that I was not allowed to be there. I walked in the room with tears streaming down my face, yelling ‘Lydia, Lydia, where are you Lydia?’ I could not find her. So I grabbed a pair of scissors, and threatened one of the workers and yelled, ‘Where is Lydia’ she then pointed her out. I remember she looked so radiant, and I told her I loved her and that I missed her. She didn’t say anything, so I walked towards her in order to embrace her. She just kept squirming, and I couldn’t keep her in one place. She was yelling and screaming, and finally I lunged forward towards her and hugged her… and I… I… I killed her. I had accidentally stabbed her with the scissors. She died right there in my arms. I cradled her back and forth until the police arrived.”


“Alright we are out of time, but I think we made a little progress today wouldn’t you say?”




“Okay then you can go back to your room and I will see you the same time tomorrow.”


“Thank you Dr. Mint.”


Francis leaves and Dr. Mint is left alone.


“What a nutcase,” muttered Dr. Mint to himself.