Dear God It’s Me Bob

By: Jeremy Ridnor

“So you really don’t believe in God,” said Grace.

“No I really don’t,” chuckled Bob. I’m sorry the idea that people would blindly follow some mystical power or force seems ludicrous to me. If there is no hard evidence of God existence, then why should I believe in him, just because the Priest or Rabbi says I should?”

“People who believe in God don’t follow him blindly they have faith in him.”

“What’s the difference? The whole idea of God and The Devil, Heaven and Hell is just some fairytale made up by a group of quote on quote holy men. Hey, religion might have some decent ideas about morality and stuff like that, but they are just stories. The reason that religion is flawed is because it is manmade, and nothing that’s manmade is perfect. I mean look at the Crusades, a perfect example of how people use religion to their advantage. And people are just conditioned to believe in God. Like if you told a child to worship a toilet he would probably do it, because he was conditioned to do so. He would believe any crap you throw at him.”

“But how do you explain the miracle of life and the creation of the universe?”

“Some of ‘God’s miracles’ can be explained even today by common reasoning. For instance, we understand how the oceans were created, how evolution is the real beginning to life, and how the big bang created everything. It is only a matter of time before science solves all the mysteries of life.”

“Man you’re like talking to a wall, a very cynical wall I might add.”

“Hey you wanted to know my beliefs so I told you.”

“Yeah your beliefs,” said Grace sarcastically. “You are a forty-seven year old Atheist who believes in nothing.”

“I believe in life, who knows I could even die today.”

“So do you believe that you don’t have control over your own fate?”

“No I believe you control your own fate, if I die today for some miraculous reason, it would not be because of my fate or some bigger plan, but that I was dumb enough to get hit by a bus or something like that.”

“Well it was nice debating with you, but I should be getting back to work, I only get an hour for lunch. Here’s twenty bucks that should cover my meal.”

“No, no I got this; you can save your twenty bucks for your church or something.”

“Alright Bob take care of yourself, bye.”

Grace picked up her briefcase. She then wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and kissed him on the cheek. Bob enjoyed feeling his friend Grace’s moist lips cresting his cheek. He and Grace had been friends since grade school, but ever since Grace hit puberty, things changed. Bob longed to be with Grace, she was perfect in everyway. She was intelligent, beautiful, and had a great sense of humor. However, Bob decided that he would never pursuit his dream, because he was afraid he would lose her as a friend and not to mention he dreaded to be rejected.

Bob surreptitiously gazed at Grace’s rather round behind as she strolled out of the restaurant. Bob momentarily zoned out, thinking about Grace’s perfect behind, and just before a random sexual fantasy entered into his mind the waitress slammed the bill down on the table. Bob sighed to himself, and then proceeded to pay the bill. A bolt of lighting struck his brain, as he realized what time it was. He realized he only had fifteen minutes to grab a cab, and get across town. He worked at Amgen as a scientist whose main job was to research ways to cure cancer, and he had an important presentation that he needed to present in fifteen minutes. This meeting was a precious one, because if he did not deliver his presentation in time, there was a good chance he would lose his job as well as his dignity.

As soon as he received his Master card, he raced out of the restaurant in a wild frenzy. Like a vigilant predator, Bob searched for a cab. He searched his perimeters thoroughly, but there was no cab in sight. At this point, it seemed dubious that he would make it his meeting in time. All of a sudden, a miracle happened, Bob could see an empty cab in sight. He sprinted towards his salvation.

He was only inches away from the cab when suddenly his briefcase opened. His papers came pouring out. Without these documents, Bob could not give his presentation, so he immediately collected all of his papers in a fastidious fashion. Unfortunately, an unexpected wind blew some of his papers away. They soared high in the air until they landed gently on the pavement. Bob consumed with anxiety dashed into the streets. He was quite irrational, but was tenacious enough to get his documents. Finally, he gathered the remaining papers, and began to walk towards the cab, until a loud horn captured his full attention. Frozen the fear, Bob had no time to react to the oncoming bus. The bus hit Bob directly in the abdomen, making him fly backwards. Luckily, the hard gravelly pavement absorbed his fall.

Bob’s eyes infused with light as he slowly opened his eyelids. He felt foggy and lightheaded. The light rays blinded him, making his eyes water. All of sudden Bob could see a blurred silhouette of someone or something standing over him. He had no recollection what had happen to him and where he was.

“Welcome,” said the shadowy figure.

“Huh, what…”

“I know your confused, but don’t worry I’m going to give the whole tour.”

“Tour? What are you talking about,” said Bob in a groggy voice.

“The cruise ship of course.”

“I didn’t pay for any cruise ship, or did I?”

“Well technically you did. When you got hit by that bus and died, you got a free ticket to Haven Cruise Ship.”

“Wait, what did you say? Did you say I died?”

“Well yeah, I mean you’re here aren’t you?”

“This must be a dream, I don’t believe in Heaven.”

“Well your in Heaven whether you believe or not. So Bob how about that tour.”

“How do you know my name?”

“I know a lot more than just your name. I know that you worked at Amgen, you were forty-seven years old, you had a crush on your best friend Grace, and you wet the bed until you were seven. How am I doing so far?”

“Who the hell are you?”

“Oh where are my manners, my name is Harold Riley, and I am the captain’s chief steward. Let me show you around, I will explain everything to you all in good time. Follow me please.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“Man you ask a lot questions. Well I’m taking you around the cruise ship.”

“So you’re saying I died, and heaven is a cruise ship?”

“In a nutshell yeah. Are you hungry?”

“Actually I’m starving.”

“Well I would expect you would be it is a long trip to heaven. Lucky for you we have an all you can eat buffet, but it is not just like any ordinary buffet, you can have whatever your heat desires and it will be made instantly. Not to mention that everything is calorie free, fat free, and just plain free, but all the food tastes absolutely delicious.”

As soon as Bob arrived at the buffet, he noticed something quite peculiar. He noticed that not only humans were in heaven. He saw bugs, animals, and even trees. lions ate zebra, worms ate dirt, plants drank water, and humans ate prime rib. There were no lines; there were only millions upon millions of tables.

“You can sit anywhere you like.”

“But there are no seats available.”

“Sure there is,” said Harold as a table magically appeared.

“That’s strange. How do I order there are no menus or waiters?”

“Just think of what you would like to eat and it will appear in front of you.”

“Okay, I would like ham and cheese omelet.”

A ham and cheese omelet magically appeared in front of Bob.

“Wow, that’s amazing.”

“Do you want something to drink?”

“Sure, I’ll have champagne and a glass of orange juice.”

A glass of champagne and orange juice magically appeared once again in front of Bob’s omelet.

“Eat up; I have lots more to show you.”

“Wow this is the best omelet I’ve ever had.”

“I bet it is. Hey Bob do you like music.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Well have great entertainment and music, we have any type of music you can think of. For instance, we have Jimi Hendrix, Frank Sinatra, some of the Beatles, and lots more. We also have great magic shows, for example, we have The Great Houdini. We have plays, orchestra, comedians, and the list goes on and on. I’ll give you a pamphlet.”

“Wow that sounds great.”

“I know.”

Hey, Harold I have a question, if we are on a cruise ship in heaven than what are we sailing on.

“Clouds of course.”

“Really.”

“No, not really that is just silly. We are floating in space itself.”

“Oh… hey Harold why are all these other species in heaven?”

“What do you think you are the only species out there?”

“I guess not, I just thought there would be only humans in heaven.”

“Actually there are species from all over the universe, most of them you would already recognize.”

“What do you mean?”

“All in good time, I still have to finish the tour, because I got another appointment at one o’clock. Here let me show you to your cabin.”

“My cabin?”

“Yeah you are in room 777.”

Harold escorted Bob to his room, and then handed him his keycard.

“Here you are room 777.”

“Um Harold why do all the rooms 777 on them?”

“I dunno I never really thought about it before.”

“But how will I know which room is mind.”

“You just do.”

Harold slid the key card in the slot, after he did the door beeped and some green lights flashed. Bob became flabbergasted as soon as he laid eyes on his new home. The room was as big as a castle. This ginormous room was completely empty except for a medium sized television that hung from the wall.

“It is a nice and cozy room, wouldn’t you say?”

“Not that I’m complaining or anything, but where is all the furniture and the rest of the stuff.”

“I’m glad you asked. You see this TV over there; you can design your own room however you want, just by clicking a few buttons.”

“Cool.”

“Well you have a lot of time to look around; there is just one last place I’m going to take you.”

“Oh where is that now?”

“I’m going to introduce you to the captain. Follow me please.”

Bob felt overwhelmed by this dreamy place, and now he was going to meet the captain of the ship. All of a sudden, a wave curiosity splashed down upon Bob. Could the captain of the ship be God himself? The anticipation to meet the captain was killing him. On the way to the captains cabin, Harold explained to Bob how all the different species on earth derive from aliens from different planets. He told him how earth is especially diverse as far as the average planet goes. They arrived in front of a massive door which read in large golden letter Captain’s Cabin.

“Well here is where I leave you; I hope you have a pleasant eternity in Heaven.”

Bob slowly crept into the captain’s cabin. Bob investigated his surroundings assiduously. The room was drab and decorated very conservatively. Then Bob noticed an intense light glowing off in the distance. A melodic humming sound could be heard, as the glowing light pulsed. The ray of light was coming from a blood red velvet chair.

“Hello is there anyone there? I was sent here by Harold, Harold Riley.”

“Salutations Bob,” bellowed an obstreperous voice.

“Um… hi… captain,” stuttered Bob.

“How do you like my ship Bob,” the voice blared.

“It’s wonderful, I absolutely love it here.”

“I’m glad to here that Bob.”

“Um… captain…”

“Yes Bob.”

“Well this might sound strange in all, but are you God?”

There was a prolonged pause, until the velvet chair shifted towards Bob. A
blinding ray of light glared directly in Bob’s eyes. Once his eyes adjusted, he could see a glowing translucent matter, which hovered ten inches above the chair. The figure had a rainbowish texture. Bob’s eyes watered as if he was going to sob, but he fought the urge to cry; he did not want to breakdown in front of this beautiful sight.

“Do you think I’m God Bob?”

“I think you are.”

“Maybe I am and maybe I am not who knows, do you know.”

“No.”

“There is no proof that I’m God.”

“I can see you though.”

“Does that make me God; you should faith in me if you want to have faith in me.”

“Wait so are you God or aren’t you?”

“Yeah I’m what you call God, sorry I was pulling your leg about the faith thing. I mean it is really hard to promote yourself now a days, nobody reads books anymore. All you have is people’s faith. Well I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me.”

“Well yeah if you don’t mind.”

“Go for it.”

“Well here is a cliché question, but I have to know, what is the meaning of life?”

“You know I always get this question, but I really don’t know how to answer that, can you be a little less vague?”

“I mean why are we here?”

“To live and then to die, simple as that.”

“Alright how did everything begin?”

“Well this probably comes to you as no surprise, but I did create the universe and life itself.”

“Wow, but what happen before you created the universe, who created you?”

“Well to be honest with you I don’t know. My theory is that the nothingness the existed before the beginning of time was created by the AntiGod.”

“The AntiGod?”

“Yes the AntiGod, which hypothetically speaking is the opposite of me.”

“How do you create nothingness?”

“That is the mystery.”

“Well that sucks.”

“Tell me about it I’ve been trying to figure that one out since the beginning of time.”

“Alright I have another question, is Jesus the son of God.”

“Actually no, he was just a magician/carpenter. In fact, he helped remold this ship, and he does two magic shows a day. The turning water to wine trick gets them every time.”

“So then what about Moses did you give him the Ten Commandments?”

“No he just discovered drugs. He gave the whole town drugs making them hallucinate about the locust, the frogs, and the rest of the ten plagues.”

“What about Buddha or Confucius were they spiritual leaders?”

“No they just were anorexic.”

“What about Mohammad.”

“Nope.”

“Then is religion meaningless?”

“Yeah pretty much.”

“Does everyone go to Heaven?”

“Yeah, there is no Devil or Hell.”

“So even murders, child molesters, and Nazis go to Heaven.”

“Yes, because once they reach Heaven they are not evil anymore.”

“Wow.”

“Well I’m sure that gives you a lot to think about, but don’t worry Heaven rocks.”

Shortly after Bob slithered out of God’s cabin, he felt an intense pain. He was in a state of depression. He had no motivation to go on. Bob felt very alone and confuse, and in a mixture of sadness and frustration, he began to cry. Soon after Bob started crying, some mysterious man approached him.

“Hi there my name is George, and I have something for you that will make you feel a whole lot better.”

Bob wiped away his tears and looked into George’s eyes. His eyes seemed kind and trustworthy.

“What is it?”

“Well it’s this nifty little white pill.”

“What’s in it?”

“It’s filled with happiness.”

“Alright I’ll try it.”

“Great, here you go.”

Bob popped the white pill into his mouth. As soon as it touched his tongue, it made his entire body feel electrified. The feeling was an incredible, as if all his senses where screaming with joy.

“Thanks George.”

“No problem.”

Bob learned to cope with his depression with a simple white pill. He soon forgot his friends and family, but then made new friends and family in Heaven. Everything was going great for Bob, until one day he received a letter that was slipped under his door. He picked it up and opened it.

Dear Bob,

We would like to inform you that you will be revived at exactly 1:06PM earth time. Please report to the captain, promptly. We hope to see you in the near future. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Anonymous.

Bob felt strange, he did not know if the news he received was good news or bad news. All he knew was that he felt nauseous. He went to the captain’s cabin, and knocked three times at the door.

“Come in Bob.”

Bob came in the room.

“Well congratulations you get to live again.”

“Yeah I know I’m a little nervous.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to go back to being oblivious to this place and you.”

“Well you’ll die sooner or later, and you’ll get to come back here.”

“Yeah I guess your right.”

“Alright, come close to me and close your eyes. You might feel a slight pinch.”

Bob endured an intense amount of pain. Bob woke up feeling delirious and confused having no preexisting memory of Heaven.

“Bob, oh my God, he’s waking up.”

“Grace is that you?”

“Yeah it’s me, how do you feel.”

“Like crap.”

“Well you were hit by a bus.”

“I was?”

“Yeah you were, and you were legally dead for over a minute until the paramedics revived you.”

“Jesus, well I guess that one for Bob and zero for God.”

“Let’s get you out of the street Bob.”

“No wait I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“Well you see for along time we have been friends, but I really I like you grace, and I was wonder if you would go out with me?”

“I dunno I’ve never dated a cripple before.”

“So would you?”

“There is always a first time for everything.”

“I will hold you to that.”

“Don’t worry you can have faith in me.”